


Masochists have all the fun

by katsudontfeedthepiggy



Series: Cops and Criminals [1]
Category: Black Lagoon, Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
Genre: Bar Room Brawl, Gen, Humor, One-Sided Attraction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-18
Updated: 2015-09-18
Packaged: 2018-04-21 09:09:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4823315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katsudontfeedthepiggy/pseuds/katsudontfeedthepiggy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean Havoc meets an unusual lady.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Damsel not quite in distress.

**Author's Note:**

> IMPORTANT: Xing is a country in FMA world which is a parallel to China and Japan. This is slightly AU.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist or Black Lagoon.

The clock struck eleven as I nursed my eighth shot glass. It had been the same as ever; another gorgeous girl at the flower shop, another date and inevitably another failed relationship. I wonder why I even think about having a successful relationship when I know it wouldn't last. Sometimes it's a different more valid reason like I'm too boring or I smoke too much. But usually it's him. The bastard Roy Mustang.

What I don't understand is what woman see in him. I get that he is rather attractive with his Xingese features and bad boy smirk and the fact that he is a Colonel in the military. Oh and what with him being the infamous Flame Alchemist. But for god's sake that damn pyromaniac changes girlfriends like clothes.

You'd think a guy like me should hate his guts and I swear I do. It's just that he has earned my respect. Grudging respect, mind you. The damn assholes a good guy. I guess being under his command for long enough has allowed me to see through his womanizer façade. I don't know. Maybe. Yeah, but I still fucking hate him.

Why you ask? Oh well, let's see...how about he stole my last three girlfriends?

''C'mon Jean'' the bartender said with a genuine frown,'' ya'know how women are these days.'' he spoke in a rather high pitched voice, something to do with the knife wound near his windpipe. ''They run afta' punks wid thick wallets.'' I smiled at him gratefully and went back to my whiskey. Damn I couldn't remember his name! Besides I think I've been here quite frequently on my breakup binges. Maybe I should avoid this bar now.

Maybe not.

Yeah, definitely not.

The other bars usually had a rather rowdy crowd and places like that at times like these didn't sit well with me. Besides I am a depressed drunk; not someone you should be, around people who hate you getting in their face.

That was the major problem, you see; getting in peoples face. I don't really go and confront people when I'm too drunk to remember who I am. But anyone who is a depressed drunk would know that a side effect of being this includes ranting about our miserable job or family life to the poor guy sitting next to us. I guess it ticks people off.

Oh and women too. This bar isn't one with hookers. It's a depressed dude bar; nothing fun, awesome or even remotely exciting happens here. Besides I can't stand whining woman when I'm this drunk. Not that I'd be able to tell the difference between her and that skinny dude over there in this state. But you get the point.

''Maybe you should change yer choice'a woman, kid?'' I looked back at the bartender and just as always noticed his hair. Two strands of white hair stood straight up pointing towards heaven. That was his hair. Two strands of hair mocking me. I considered his words once they registered in my brain. What did I like in women? Smart, kind, funny...big chested?

The first three were optional.

I continued considering till my thoughts collapsed into a steaming pile of dead brain cells. I slammed my head down on the counter as I felt a little woozy. Maybe I should switch teams. After all they say gay relations work better. Nah forget I thought of that. I heard the light tinkle of bells for the millionth time, announcing the arrival of another depressed dude ready to drown his sorrows in a bottle of alcohol.

I did the same thing everyone else did. Ignored the poor guy and continued to wallow in self pity. I closed my eyes and remembered my embarrassing visit to the Armstrong's mansion and the Major's beautiful but horrible sister. It had to be a curse, it had to! There was no other explanation. Why else would a beauty such as herself be able to lift a piano on one hand.

Maybe I was just unlucky. Maybe I should go for different girls.

BANG!

I sat up at the loud sound of a glass being slammed on the counter. The whole bar became silent but soon got back to normal. I slammed my head back down as I felt my scrambled brain slosh around in my skull. I cracked open my eyes and glanced at the legs of the person next to me. All I got was a blurred brown boot and black pants.

"Boy! What a chicken shack."

My body stiffened at the complaint directed at the bar and those inside it. Not because of the insult but because this was wrong. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Why was my luck so fucking rotten?

I sat up and my vision cleared. Okay maybe not completely clear but enough to see two feet ahead of me…..at the woman sitting next to me?

I couldn't help it. Something about her was completely off. She was wearing a brown jacket and red pleated skirt with tall brown boots. Girls didn't usually dress like that around here. And no woman ever walked into the "Depressed Dude Bar" as I had so lovingly dubbed it!

She was beautiful and at the same time something about her screamed dangerous. My eyes lingered on her pretty face for a few minutes before drifting down to admire other things. I know I'm a pervert; so sue me! At least I can be a gentleman at times. Besides, she was stack….

"What the fuck are you staring at, asswipe?" she growled almost literally. Her hand twitched in her lap. She looked absolutely adorable with her nose all scrunched up in annoyance.

I continued to stare at her in a dazed sort of manner unable to answer her in coherent sentences. I think I may have resembled a fish, you know, with my mouth wide open.

I swear I saw her eye twitch. I wanted to apologize when she tipped her glass of rum on her hand and splashed it on my face. Well, it worked. Who knew?

I squawked in a rather unattractive manner as the alcohol burned my nostrils. I would have said something…..had I not deserved that.

Another thing that was odd about her were her features. Xingese features. The fact that she was a red head was even more surprising. Around here it was rare to be a strawberry blonde and red heads were almost non-existent. Truthfully I have never met a redhead ever before.

Maybe I should ask her out. Maybe she'd say yes. Probably she'll shoot me down. Too bad I left my confidence at home…along with my ability to talk.

She seemed amused actually, not annoyed. More of disgusted at my perverted self but definitely amused. I saw a hint of a smirk on her face before she turned back to her glass with a bored expression. I mumbled an apology, too afraid to sound like a slurring moron. She didn't acknowledge me and continued to pour glass after glass of rum down her throat.

I avoided looking at her for another three minutes or so when I heard the clock strike twelve and a stray obscenity escape her mouth.

"Fuck", she muttered, not softly, mind you. She was far too different from your regular girl and by no means soft spoken. I saw her glare at the clock angrily as she let out another stream of curses that could make a sailor blush.

There was another tinkle and a bunch of rowdy guys walked in, laughing obnoxiously amongst themselves. The barkeep whose name I just can't remember kept throwing worried glances at them while everyone in the bar was getting fidgety.

I didn't like the idea of having my drinking interrupted by some over-muscled hunks of flesh, so I decided to get ready to leave.

Then I remembered the girl.

"By the way," I said with my best smile" My names Jean Havoc." She raised an eyebrow.

Improvement.

What? At least she didn't throw her glass at me. She seemed pretty capable of doing that.

"Yeah, good to know." She said in a rather dull voice. I knew she was being sarcastic but I was a gentleman and I wasn't going to leave a young defenseless girl alone in a bar filled with drunken bodybuilder thugs. No matter how rude or snarky she was.

"I have a car; if you need a ride miss." I offered slightly nodding towards the thugs in the back, hoping she'd understand.

She did apparently as she turned to look at them and laughed. It wasn't a nice laugh. Creepy actually.

"I don't need a ride." She said as she turned back to her drink. So I did the same, I didn't drink though. Not anymore.

"What? You ain't leaving?" she asked me in an amused tone.

"I'm not leaving."I conformed with a firm nod and a smile.

"A gentleman?" another amused smirk. I merely nodded at her. She let out a bark of laughter at that.

"A gentleman doesn't stare at a woman's packing dipshit." Her voice was gravelly and low. A chain smoker. I blushed slightly before apologizing and she waved it off.

Sitting there with nothing to do when I knew that she was going to ignore me, I pulled out a half empty packet of cigarettes and screwed it between my lips.

"You got another?" she asked without much enthusiasm and I pulled out another for her. It's odd how sometimes you can settle into a comfortable silence with someone you have never met before. I looked at her from the corner of my eyes as she sucked on her smoke. Her eyes flickered to the clock every few minutes. A hint of worry crossing her hazel eyes every now and again.

I could see the stiffness of her shoulder and the tightness of her jaw. My eyes fell on a black mark peeking out of the collar of her turtle neck. A tattoo? Tribal probably. She didn't seem like the butterfly type.

"So….?" I started thinking of something to say." What do you do?"

"Why?" I could hear the surprise in her voice. She wasn't expecting us to talk, was she?

"Just asking." I replied honestly.

"Fine," she sighed, I'm a…."

But she never got to finish. Because a giant shadow loomed over us and I could smell dead puppies behind me. Oh wait! That was a rotten thug not a puppy.

"Hey there lady" the giant of a man who stood behind us slurred."Want me to show you a good time?"

This was it. It was time for me to show her how much of a gentleman I truly am and sweep her off of her feet with my skills.

So that's what I did. I turned around and found myself staring directly at his chest. Throwing my head back I stared at his face. He looked like a typical thug with shaggy brown hair in a terrible need of cutting and a nearly destroyed nose. He was about as unattractive as a bulldog but one thing that was clear on his face was pride.

He continued to look over my rather tall frame (how tall was this ugly idiot anyway?) at the flame haired lady behind me. Ummm…..so okay maybe lady isn't a very appropriate word to describe her.

"Back off sir, we don't need any trouble, now do we?" I spoke in my most intimidating tone but the thug simply pushed me backwards and my stupid drunk butt crashed into the counter.

I heard the girl chuckle slightly and felt anger bubble up within me. Here I was, trying to defend her honor against a man twice my size and she was laughing at me!

I saw the big guy reach out to her and she turned to look at him with those hazel eyes. The eyes that had been dull and bored a moment ago were now filled with a malicious intent. The same kind I'd seen on that crackpot killer Kimbley. The tension in her muscles seemed to relax a bit at the sight of the man.

After that things were basically a blur. Most probably due to my inebriated state but I do remember a few things. Such as the girl smashing her glass into the thugs face and breaking her stool on his back. A few kicks to the place where the sun doesn't shine and a beautifully executed elbow drop complete with a childlike glee.

For a while I just stared as she continued to beat the crap out of his four 'buddies' who had tried to pull her off, not quite understanding the situation around me.

The bartender was gripping my shirt from behind and I was probably going to chock to death if he didn't let go soon, but I couldn't get myself to care as the goddess of war smashed a bottle of whiskey on a skinny guy. She had her gloved hands raised, gripping another stool and mid swing when a voice left the bar in a brutal silence, except for the whimpering of tortured men.

"Revy?" A smooth male voice rang out in the room filled with terrified men."What are you doing?"

I turned to look at the man who addressed the redhead as Revy. Xingese descent, average height, a regular salaryman's outfit. He looked pretty normal.

"Rock!" the girl seemed to have lost all the tension from before. Her typically dull eyes seemed bright, almost relieved. I felt a stab of jealousy.

"I thought I'd find you floating in a gutter tomorrow. What the fuck took ya so long?"

"Business, Ready to leave? We gotta get back." He said as he scrubbed his forehead with his fingers and shook his head slightly as his eyes scanned the mess the one woman had made. She dropped the stool on the thug, made her way to the exit and smacked the guy on the arm. Hard.

"C'mon, partner." And with that I saw the most exotic, most dangerous and somehow still adorable woman walk out the door.

"You can let go of me now, George." Ah! So I do remember his name after all. I felt him jerk away from me.

"Did you see that?" his voice was even shriller now."Did you fuckin' see that?"

I nodded at him dumbly before lifting my glass to my lips and waited for him to calm down.

Hey George." my mind continued to go into a several different directions but always ended up on the same damn boots and red hair. The old man looked at me with an odd expression.

"You said I should change my choice in women, right?" I asked quietly. He just looked more confused. I waited a while before replying and took another sip of my now warm whiskey as I made up my mind.

This was a depressed dude bar and nothing fun, awesome or even remotely exciting ever happened here. I smiled at the thought.

"Damnit!" I gulped down the remaining alcohol.

"Masochists have all the fun!"


	2. The not a date.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I miss the cowboy boots. They were cute!

It had been a whole week since the incident. I had gone to the bar regularly but was yet to see her again. Its not like she'd got stuck on my mind. I swear it isn't like that. She was just unusual. And the only other unusual people I know are a pair of brothers and an oversized creepy bodybuilding teddy-bear with a tendency to tear his shirt off at the slightest provocation.

And at the moment... I was stuck on a job with the aforementioned shirt ripper. Well, its more of a favor than a job actually. My crazy co-workers, pyromaniac boss and a trigger happy lieutenant cannot start the day without the strong aroma of caffeine filling their lungs and the strong flavor hitting their mouth! And since no greater power seemed to give a flying piece of poop about us, the coffee machine dropped dead with a pathetic sputter.

Let's just say that my team isn't very useful or social without coffee in the morning. Falman and Breda were trying not to fall asleep while Fury was almost twitching with nervousness. Mustang was reflexively snapping his fingers with every word. Thankfully the only sane man-er...woman had confiscated his flint gloves.

Thank God for Hawkeye!

And since I was the only one who managed to have some coffee powder...yes I emptied a packet of it in my mouth... I was sent for the glorious job of getting the damn thing fixed. And since the shirt ripper was also headed out he decided to tag along. Much to my displeasure.

So that's why I am standing outside a repair shop while dear major Armstrong aka. The shirt ripping giant is terrorizing those inside with his manly tears and omnipotent pink sparkles.

''THE ART OF NAPPY CHANGING HAS BEEN PASSED DOWN THE ARMSTRONG FAMILY FOR GENERATIONS'' the Major's voice boomed, followed by the squeak of a poor woman. I sighed heavily as I thought of saving her baby or not.

That's when I saw her.

The red hair pulled back in a low pony and her amber eyes flashing with barely contained rage. Instead of a skirt though, she had on a pair of fitted dark blue pants and combat boots.

I miss the cowboy boots. They were cute!

She was flipping off some poor guy hunched over himself, clutching his man-parts. You can never know for sure who was at fault here, so my fleeting concern for him made sense. I mean he could have been an innocent passerby who got attacked by the Amazon with anger issues. And even though I don't know any red head on a personal level, I've heard they are rather temperamental.

I looked back at the store and decided that I did have some time to spare. Then I fixed my hair and clothes and crossed the not so busy road.

Walking up to her, I saw her patting her pockets for a lighter while a cigarette hung between her lips. Taking a page out of Mustangs book I offered her a light.

''Need a light?'' I asked her with a smile. My arm stretched out in front of her with a lighter ready in my hand.

She stared at me for a few minutes before recognition flashed in her eyes and she leaned down to let me light her cigarette. Thank God! I thought my arm was gonna fall off. She didn't thank me for it, it didn't surprise me one bit.

''So...'' I started ''Revy right?'' I didn't really know what to say at the moment. Its like I had a million things I wanted to talk to her about and I knew that but when I was actually there next to her...my brain had gone to graze to the fields.

She just hummed slightly. Didn't even nod.

''I'm Jean. From the bar. In case you forgot.'' ah! Nice going idiot.

''I remember.'' she didn't seem too excited to see me though. Not that I blame her, I was the perverted dude staring at her like a retard after all. She did seem pissed off though. I don't think I wanna know why.

''You seem upset?'' Great! Didn't I just decide not to ask her that question? I might have to chop my tongue off if I love my nuts. Which I do. Very much.

''Nah, I'm just peachy!'' she growled back at me and I almost jumped back at the viciousness of her tone. But I'm not an idiot for nothing so I decided to try to talk to her. Actually talk to her.

After my stomach settled a bit.

I leaned against the glass window of the bookstore like she was doing. I didn't say much after that but kept looking at her from the corner of my eyes.

Now that I saw her in the day time, add to it the fact that I was sober, I realized how lovely 'looking' she actually was. Her red hair was more magenta than red brown. And her hazel eyes could almost pass for golden. Plus she was well-built. And I don't mean well-built as in curvy, even though she was rather curvy, she looked strong. As in can lift heavy weight strong. Her features were sharper than the other women too. Like I kept saying, she was different.

I think we stood in silence for a few minutes. She lit another cigarette and slipped the lighter into her coat pocket. MY lighter. But I couldn't care less because my brain kept screaming at me to break the goddamned silence. Although I didn't need to.

''Fuck this!'' she spat and straightened up and I realized she was leaving. It was a do or die situation. I didn't know what to do so I gave in to my instincts and did what I do best.

Act like a desperate idiot.

I grabbed her arm and asked her if she wanted to have lunch. She whipped around to face me, ready to punch my face in when I tried to grab at the edges of my rope.

''I'll pay!'' I'm really proud of the fact that my voice didn't sound as freaked out as I felt.

It worked. She didn't punch me, not yet at least. Although she did give me the are-you-insane-look. So I tried to pull my hypothetical pants back on.

''Just lunch. All on me.'' I tried to smile. I don't think I really charmed her though. I was looking like a constipated monkey.

She reached into her coat at that as she seemed to think the offer through. Finally, she accepted it. With a smile too!

''The Jade Monkey? Seriously?'' Revy didn't seem very happy about the idea. But this was a five star restaurant, with excellent food, so the name shouldn't really have mattered. But I could understand her feelings. The very idea of eating lunch in an expensive primate seemed weird.

''This place seems expensive.'' It didn't seem much like question but I could detect a hint of curiosity in her voice. Her eyes were slightly wide at the furnishing. Yes this place was expensive and a crazy and impulsive idea of mine was going to burn a huge hole in my pocket. But hey! Its not like you get to take an exotic woman out to lunch often.

Even if its not really a date.

About an hour and chef special later, she actually seemed in a better mood. She told me she was a part time bodyguard to a translator in her company. When I asked her why a translator would need a bodyguard, she went on and on about something along the lines of schoolgirls and kidnapping.

A schoolgirl gets kidnapped? How does that relate to some translator?

I also found out the guy she left with the other night ...Rock?...was the translator. No wonder she was worried! She ordered some really expensive dessert after that. I felt my stomach sink. After that I told her about myself. Women tend to like me after they find out about my profession. Well what can I say! Soldiers do seem rather badass.

''So you are a cop?'' she seemed surprised, wide eyed and all. She reached into her coat again. I guessed it was a tic. Many people have those like Mustang keeps snapping his fingers.

''Yeah! You could call it that.'' I tried to smile and not frown at the fact that I'll be living on tap water for the next few days. Maybe we should have gone somewhere less expensive.

She stopped eating and very gently placed her spoon in the plate next to the half eaten dessert. Reaching for the glass of water she took a few solid gulps before putting it to her forehead.

When she noticed my questioning gaze she gave me a rather strained smile.

''Headache.'' she said simply.

I know how bad headaches are. I have killer hangovers every other day.

''Umm wait here. I'll run over to the store and get you some medicine!''

She nodded slightly in gratitude and I leaped up from my seat. There was a medical store directly opposite to the Jade Monkey. Well I couldn't help but feel nice about my situation. Even though my pocket was going to be empty, I was making quite an impression on a red haired spit fire. Man...I love my job!

I scared a few kids with my extreme jittery-ness and freaked out the poor store owner. A sweet brunette too but I had an Amazon in mind so I couldn't care less.

I nearly skipped back to the diner with the medication in hand. And that's when everything hit me like a train. As I stood in front of my table...my empty table, I realized she'd ditched me.

But why? I'd done about everything perfectly! Did she pretend to have a headache to get rid of me? No. The headache was real. Her face said so. But why did she leave?

After paying the bills I slowly made my way back to HQ. Maybe I was hoping too much out of a simple meeting. Maybe I was too overbearing. But still, I didn't expect her to ditch me like that. On the first outing. It wasn't a date.

Suddenly I felt strong arms wrap around me and my feet left the ground. The air whooshed out of my lungs as my attacker tried to suffocate me to death with all his strength.

''Can't breathe! Major!'' I wheezed out and he let me go. I turned to look at him. His eyes flowing continuous rivers of manly tears as his blue eyes crinkled up happily.

Creepy.

''I was worried you got mugged, second lieutenant.'' he bellowed in that Armstrong way and grabbed my elbow dragging me along with him back to HQ.

''I was mugged.'' I confirmed. Well in a way I was. Okay so maybe I wasn't. I was just being bitchy. C'mon! I liked the girl and she just up and went. But could I get mad at her? Noooooo...because she was just so adorable with her red hair. Damn!

Then I saw her again. She was standing there with that Rock guy from before. Her face was red with annoyance and she was flailing her arms around wildly. The guy seemed tired but amused. And that's when it hit me! Maybe he was her boyfriend! I couldn't be sure but it didn't seem unlikely. And of course, girls that attractive were hardly ever single. So maybe I was pursuing a girl who was already in a committed relationship.

God! I felt like Mustang!

But still I wanted to smash that Rock guys face into a wall. Anyways I guess masochists really have all the fun.

Then again...that brunette from the medical store was pretty hot. She was sweet and kind too!

Maybe I should ask her out. I pulled out a cigarette and couldn't find my lighter. If she says yes, I'll take her shopping for cowboy boots.

I bet Mustang couldn't have scored lunch with the red haired beauty who stole my lighter. She would have kicked his scrawny ass!

But the medical store brunette was really cute! Short brown hair with pretty brown eyes. Not exotic but nice looking.

Besides...she was STACKED!


End file.
